he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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