I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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