The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
