he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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