Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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