Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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