Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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