I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
