I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
