Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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