I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
