oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
