Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
