she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
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And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
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I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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