We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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