I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
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two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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