Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
