That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
