Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
i think my cat just said my name.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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