That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
