Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
