Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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