I want to make a zoo with you.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
