rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
