Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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