True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
