you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
