Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
