you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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