You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
