apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
