hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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