Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
