woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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