i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
