Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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