just survived the first fart of the relationship.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
