The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
