did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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