just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
