Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
