you have to choose: penises or morals?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I have already put on my inside pants.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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