I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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