True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
