we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
