Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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