I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
