I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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