remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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