I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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