thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
