Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
