i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
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I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
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If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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