i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
