drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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