You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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