a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She told me I should be a condom model.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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