**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
