yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
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She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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