you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
